W.C. Fields
(William Claude Dukenfield)

1880 - Philadelphia.
1946

(asked by a lady journalist, why he never drank water)

Fish fuck in it !



All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad.

Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.



"Bartender, bartender did I spend $100 in this bar last night ?"
Bartender replies: "You sure did."
W.C. replies: "Good, I thought I lost it."



Buried my wife the other day, had to.. she died.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.


During prohibition he was asked, why if he didn't have a drinkings problem, did he buy 300 cases of gin before it started, he replied "I didn't think prohibition would last that long."


Don't worry about your heart, it will last as long as you live.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.


(Fields, reading the bible)
Just looking for loopholes.


(Fields, on reading the bible)
I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots... but found only a pack of wild lies.


Go away you silly pigeons and don't come back until you can shit green.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

I don't believe in dining on an emty stomach.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit, no use being a damn fool about things.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet have been walking over my tounge all night.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

I never drank anything stronger than beer, before I was twelve.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.


Man: "Is this gambling?"
W.C.: "Not the way I play it"


Marriage is better than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

More people are driven insane through religius hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

My boy, when I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question af degree.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

(Of an elderly lady dressed to kill.....) She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

Say anything that you like about me, execpt that I drink water.

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." W.C: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life .. execpt drink.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

Wife: "Why don't you go to bed." W.C.: "I thought I'd take a nap first."

(with a hangover) The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache...

Who stole the cork from my breakfast?

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but i wouldn't want to own one.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

You're drunk !! Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.





Tilbage

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